Even through the good & the bad times...YOU stay the same!

s.a.t.u.r.d.a.y.

8 letters that used to signal one of the best days of the week.  8 letters that for the last 9 weeks have had different meaning . . . initially, it was 

S. adness, 

A. nxiety, 

T. ears, 

U. nbelief, 

R. ed lights & sirens, 

D. isbelief, 

A. absence, 

Y. UCK.

  

As the weeks have passed, GOD has been gracious. He has shown His face to us.  He has provided strength.  He has held us when Rick couldn't anymore.  He has lighted our path, ONE STEP at a time.

"Here in the arms of my FATHER

Only grace can be found

So I lay my fears down

Nothing is the same anymore

You've changed me from the inside out

Now my heart is beating and it's singing, won't you

Hold me

Hold me just a little bit closer

I don't wanna lose this moment

Your love has captured me

Even through the good and the bad times

You stay the same

So my song will remain

Lord . . . 

Hold me

Hold me just a little bit closer

I don't wanna lose this moment

Your love has captured me

And now I can't get over You

I can't get over You

I can't get over You

No, I can't get over You!"

Anthem Lights

That's the "subtle" change as the "Saturdays" march forward week by week.  Here IN THE ARMS OF MY FATHER, ONLY GRACE CAN BE FOUND, SO I LAY MY FEARS DOWN. You can listen to the whole song HERE!  I just love when I hear songs that feel like they were written just for ME!  But, then, that's what Jesus did, isn't it?  He died, JUST FOR ME!  JUST FOR RICK.  JUST FOR YOU!  Mercy Me's song "Beautiful" has a verse in it that says:

"Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

ENOUGH TO DIE

He loved each and every one of us, as individuals.  He MADLY loves each and every one of us.  He madly loves each and every one of us . . . ENOUGH to DIE! And in that, S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y. is starting to take on a better "tone".  I think it will always be a day of "remembering". That's a good thing.  Memories are good (most of them - because even in the midst of the GREATEST TRAGEDY I could have ever imagined, I FELT GOD).  The "sting" of Saturday, is lessening.  The missing Rick isn't lessening.  The lonlieness isn't lessening. The numbness, the shock, the disbelief . . . they are lessening.

S. eek ME FIRST . . . 

A. ll I am/all I have is YOURS . . . 

T. rust in the LORD with ALL your heart

U. ntil that day, my heart will go on singing.  Because daily HE gives me a song.

R. edemption

D. oes not the Lord know when ONE sparrow falls from the sky (Matthew 10:29).          If he cares for the SPARROW, surely he knew when Rick fell that day.

A. sk and it will be given to you.  For now, it's asking for light for each step, help for each moment of each day.

Y. ea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear NO EVIL for Thou art with me, Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

Yes, we are walking in the "valley" of the "shadow of death".  It permeates EVERY THING WE DO every minute of every day.  Yet in the midst of the valley, in the darkness of the shadow, HE is still there.  He lights the path, step by step.  There IS only ONE set of footsteps - for HE is carrying me (us).

So, yes, today was Saturday.  9 weeks since the rocking of our world.  Saturday.  A day that won't ever be the same as it used to be.  Yet a day that we again survived.  With another "first".  It was "Parent's Night (Day)" for basketball.  Tessa does stats for the Varsity team.  As manager, she and her parent(s) are introduced.  And I was.  We were.  We survived!  Tessa's friend Becca's parents couldn't be there today, so Becca walked with us.  We did fine. We made it.  God was with us.  Rick's memory was alive with us.  They (Rick & God) were smiling down on us, infusing us with strength for this, yet another first.

Just as we settled in for the night, we heard the WAIL of sirens (remember, I didn't hear them 9 weeks ago).  The wail of sirens is still an eerie sound.  I commented that they must be close to hear them so clearly.  Tessa said, "It's because 2 fire trucks just went by OUR house."  and, then another.    Followed by cars with their emergency flashers. Followed by a State Police car.  Followed by the Rescue Squad.  I didn't hear the sirens 9 weeks ago.  They still existed.  Some of the same dear people responding to the call tonight responded 9 weeks ago.  The sirens still sound eerie.  I'm still glad I didn't hear them that day.  Tonight, our neighbor had a chimney fire.  We don't know them well, but the oldest daughter goes to the High School so knows me.   The younger daughter is 6 - and the cutest little thing I have ever seen!  The little one didn't know me, but mom had to go to work tonight - the fire was out and only smoke was left.  Scary for a 6 year old.  She is sleeping on our couch tonight (big sister, understandably, wanted to be at her own house being it was safe!).  So, sweet little neighbor "A" and Tessa & Kajsa (Taya's overnight at a Birthday party) are having a camp out on the living room floor.  Watching movies, and loving on this sweet little person.  Yes, I'm bragging.  I'm proud of the tender hearts that I'm seeing more and more in my sweet girl's hearts.  More than proud, I'm thankful.  Thankful that the Lord has given them sweet tender hearts!  Thankful that another Saturday has drawn to a close, and again, we can feel His healing, loving touch.  Thankful that we can REST in Him tonight.  Thankful that tomorrow we head to see Nick, Ashley & the little girls.  Thankful for my family ♥  Thankful for HIM.  Thankful that He did not leave us or forsake us! ♥

Author and Finisher . . .

"Being confident of this very thing, that He which has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ."

Philippians 1:6

"God is the author of all of our stories.  He is present in all of my story.  He is writing a genealogy of grace bringing us to a place where we have to have a Redeemer to rescue us.  And through all the ups and downs and twists of life, He is doing something way beyond what we normally can see that will someday be for His glory and our good.  These are the things that bring us to Jesus."

Steve Green

Those were in a blog that I started following recently.  A blog by a "widow".  I don't like that word.  It sounds eerie.  It reminds me of a spider!  But, it's the word that fits right now.  It's the box that I will have to check on my income tax return. It is the term used to describe me on this page in my "story".  And GOD IS NOT SURPRISED by this page in my story . . . !  THAT is amazing.  THAT is what I can CLING to!  

Speaking of clinging . . . today, my dear friend Heaven (YES, that IS her REAL name!!) sent me a devotional that she thought I'd like.  The final quote read, "In tough times, we can become so preoccupied with our role in "clinging to God" that we forget about His promised protection.  It is not our fingernails that sustain us - it's His loving, upholding hand."  It was a reference to "hanging on by our fingernails".  As if WE are "saving" ourselves . . . How wonderful that I don't have to do that, He is holding me in His loving, mighty hand as I "cling" to him - but not in the drastic, dramatic, frantic "by my fingernails" kind of clinging.   Psalm 37:24 - The Lord upholds him with His hand.  Another comfort, another whisper of love, from a friend and from God!!  I have "lady" devos that I go to, Rick didn't like to read, so he needed quick easy devos - EVERY NIGHT before bed, he read "The Daily Bread" devotional.  This "clinging" excerpt is from there!  It was the October 20, 2011 devotional.  Rick read this just 15 days before he went to Heaven!  That's a comfort, reading the SAME words Rick read, and receiving comfort from them!  ♥  Thanks, Heaven!  

"Look to the LORD and His strength; seek His face always."

1 Chronicles 16:11

"It is precisely because we do not know what the next turn of the page will bring that we nourish our hearts now."

John Eldredge

I am again amazed at the goodness of God.  At how He provides the words that will comfort, but not only that, words that "go together" so well.  As I've been focusing the past couple days on our "story", HIS "story" I've run across so many references to stories, pages . . . THAT, my friends is a GOD THING!  He orchestrated my reading of every single blog, Bible verse, devotional . . . It's all from Him - it's all part of my story, written by HIM! 


I'm so glad that even when I can't see beyond the next sentence, much less the next paragraph, the next page or (gasp) the next chapter, He KNOWS!  He knows the next sentence, the next paragraph, the next page, the next chapter, the final chapter!  He is the "Author and Finisher of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2)!

Trust in the LORD with all your ♥

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take."  Proverbs 3:5 & 6 . . . My "Girlfriends in God" devo today started out with: "Someone once said that if God showed us every detail of our lives - all at one time - we would sit down and refuse to face another day.  We were not created to be omniscient like God.  He reveals our future to us in portions we can digest"  That's true isn't it?  If someone had told me 2 months and ONE day ago what the next day would hold, I WOULD HAVE SAT DOWN AND REFUSED TO FACE THAT DAY. . . But, that option was not given to me (us).  Therefore, here we are, 2 months "out" from November 5.  Changed.  Lonely.  Empty.  Sad.  Grieving.  Hopeful.  Loved.  Peaceful.  So many "feelings".  So many emotions that run through my life each day.  

This 5th of January dawned a little brighter than December 5.  Not literally - It was STILL dark when I got up this morning!  It dawned brighter as I didn't feel so much like I was in a "haze" as I did on December 5.  A little "lonlier" maybe, but more "clear" . . . The "reality" sets in more each day, but God's grace is sufficient for each day.  This morning, just before I woke up, I had a dream . . . I was walking in a hallway and rounded a corner, and there was RICK!  I was shocked, and tried (in my dream's mind) to figure out how he was there.  It was "morning Rick" . . . his hair was pretty crazy, he was wearing his glasses and didn't have a shirt on . . . as soon as I could process the (dream) thought of wondering "how" he was there, he wasn't there anymore.  It was interesting though because just then I woke up, but I didn't feel really lonely or empty.  It was kind of like he was just "checking up" . . . making sure we were o.k.!  I'm not into trying to decipher the "what & why" of dreams . . . but it was kind of a nice way to wake up on this morning of an "anniversary" that we shouldn't have to be acknowledging!  

I have been focusing on "seeing" God's touch in everything (I do better sometimes than others!).  I DO see more beauty in the sunrise and sunset each day.  I notice the stars or the moon or cloud formations more than I used to.  I (think) that I am a little more patient with my girls.  I'm trying.  I'm learning each day that GOD is there - IN EVERY DETAIL!  He sends the blessings that we need - just when we need them!  He sends friends who send texts and facebook messages.  He gives that beautiful sunrise/sunset.  HE IS THERE . . . all I'm asked to do is to TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL MY HEART ♥  And when there is nothing left, HE is THERE!  He is showing which "path" to take and he is lighting that path, step by step!  Oh, how I love HIM!

Somehow our story is part of HIS plan . . .

"When God allows extraordinary trials for His people, He prepares extraordinary comforts for them!"  Corrie Ten Boom

WOW, THAT is an amazing statement!! :) I think I'm going to make it big and frame it!  It is one of MY favorites in recent days - and there have been so many good ones!  Yes, He does prepare extraordinary comforts.  Sometimes in BIG ways, and sometimes in little ways, that hit you at the oddest times.  Tonight, I was working at the Town Hall.  When I'm there, I MISS Rick popping in to say "hi" and bringing me supper - he did that almost every month while I was there getting ready for the monthly meeting . . . so, another reminder of HOW MUCH is missing in our lives - another of the "little ways" that others would never notice, but has become a HUGE HOLE in my life.  Yet, in the midst of the sadness that Rick won't be popping in to say hi, or bringing supper is encouragement through the radio!  I JUST LOVE WPFF 90.5!  It's amazing how the songs that I NEED to hear come on just when I need to hear them!  More on that in a minute, but first, "little" comforts - again things that others wouldn't see/know/think of . . . two jump out at me when I'm down at the town hall, the first being that I'm glad that only the fire trucks for our area are housed there, not the Rescue Squad.  Though I am IN AWE of the awesome people locally who volunteer their time to this awesome service, I am glad that I don't have to SEE the squad every time I go to work there!  Secondly, and along those same lines, I have been thankful since the day of Rick's accident that I didn't HEAR any sirens that day.  We are close to the highway, we ALWAYS hear sirens.  I was sitting at the computer, passing time until Rick came home when they would have been going by, I SHOULD have heard them, but I never did.  I have always felt that they were a haunting sound anyway, but to NOT have to "connect" them to that day is just a little "blessing", an "extraordinary comfort" that the Lord prepared.

Now, on to music.  I've always wished I could sing.  I can't.  I can't dance either.  I have no rhythm.  I don't play any instruments either.  But, I still LOVE music.  And when I am alone, I sing - sometimes very loudly and always off key!  Anyway, there is a song that I have sung along to many times over the years, yet, when singing, I thought, NO, I DON'T like this song.  I don't like what it says, I like the tune, I like the "idea" - for other people, but not for me.  But tonight, this song IS me.  It HAS been me.  I realized that ALL THAT I HAVE is really HIS and I'm NOT in control . . . This song IS the life we are living RIGHT here and RIGHT now, and you know what, it's true . . . 

I can count a million times

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Mercy Me

It's a beautiful song, but HONESTLY, I NEVER wanted to sing/pray "Bring me anything that brings you glory, (really, anything???  anything, Lord?  That might hurt.  You might take someone I LOVE, "yes, child, ANYTHING")  And I know there'll be days, When this life brings me pain (really, pain, I don't want pain, I want fun, carefree, easy living), But if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus, Bring the rain."  Bring me ANYTHING that brings You glory?  ANYTHING?  That means I have to give over EVERYTHING that I love and hold dear over to HIM, I CANNOT be in control.  NO, NO, NO, my mind screams, I CAN'T do that, I CAN'T give it all to You.  But, He whispers in that still, small voice, "Yes, you can" . . . so I do/did, "I am Yours regardless of the dark clouds that may loom above.  Because You are much greater than my pain.  You who made a way for me.  By suffering Your destiny.  So tell me what's a little rain?  So I pray, bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings you glory.  And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus, bring the rain."  It's true.  He may bring PAIN, dark clouds may loom above, people may wonder HOW I can praise Him after all that I've gone through . . . but, HONESTLY, the thought has NEVER crossed my mind to turn my back on Him!

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans, 

Test my faith and leave me with empty hands, 

Are You not the closest when it's hardest to stand? 

I know that You will finish what You began. 

These broken parts You redeem, 

Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord send me, 

All of my life, I make an offering, 

Here I am, Lord send me, 

Somehow my story, Is part of Your plan, 

Here I am !!

"Are You not the CLOSEST when it's hardest to stand?  I know that You will finish what You began!"  Yes, He is the closest when it's the hardest to stand - when He has "sent the rain".  That's when HE is there, when HE is the ONLY THING that is there! . . . "These broken parts You REDEEM!" . . . so there IS healing, redemption!  

SOMEHOW MY STORY, IS A PART OF YOUR PLAN!

THAT alone is reason to put one foot in front of the other.  To move on day by day, MY life, MY story is a PART OF HIS PLAN!

And if that were not enough, I look at my beautiful girl's Facebook status', tonight, as I'm writing here . . . 

Tessa: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and sure of what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1

Taya:  "For I am not ashamed of the Gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes"  Romans 1:16

So, yes, He brought the rain, and boy did it POUR down on us.  Life has brought us PAIN, more than I could ever imagine, there are setbacks and failures and upset plans (to say the least), but He is closest when it's hardest to stand, and SOMEHOW OUR STORY IS A PART OF HIS PLAN.

God is GOOD!

"Let's never forget that some of God's greatest mercies are His refusals.  He says no in order that He may, in some way we cannot imagine, say yes.  All His ways with us are merciful.  His meaning is always love"

Elisabeth Elliot

God is GOOD!

"For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; "because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name."

Psalm 91

God is GOOD!

"His purpose is perfectly timed."

Beth Moore

God is GOOD!

For EVERYTHING comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory.  All glory to Him forever! Amen."

Romans 11:36

God is GOOD!

"Refresh yourself in the Peace of My Presence.  This Peace can be your portion at all times and in all circumstances."

Jesus Calling Devotional

God is GOOD!

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have (perfect) peace and confidence.  In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer (take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted)!  For I have overcome the world. (I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.)"

John 16:33

God is GOOD!

"Go as far as you can see;  when you get there, you'll be able to see farther."

J.P. Morgan

God is GOOD!

ALL of these are verses or quotes that I came across TODAY. God is GOOD! Just today. Since 6:00 this morning.  16.5 hours.  All those wise and comforting words.  As if I needed MORE proof of God's love and watch-care over me!  Yet, HE continues to POUR it out.  Abundantly MORE than I could ask or think!  MY GOD is AMAZING!  

God is GOOD!

Today was back to work and school.  It was hard to get back in the routine. 

 Two girls don't feel good :(  I HATE having sick kids.  I've always hated having sick kids.  I'm a worrier.  I worry when I have sick kids.  This time, I'm "alone" with sick kids.  But, I'm not really alone.  I still "feel" Rick here with me - comforting me, and reassuring me (he was much less of a worrier than I - and I believe I have gained some of his "peace"!).  GOD is also here with me.  As if I could doubt THAT with the reassurances HE gave me AGAIN today!  And if the above reassurances weren't enough, when I got home tonight (at 9:45 - after going to Iron Mountain for a basketball game), there was a sweet card from my awesome Aunt & Uncle - and a check for us!  I had no sooner opened the card and showed it to Taya when one of my dear friends came to pick up her daughter who had ridden to the basketball game with us - and she had with her a plate of cupcakes and supper for tomorrow night - all we have to do is pop it in the oven!  Aaahhhh!  Have I mentioned that  God is GOOD!?!

So, it's late, tomorrow is another BUSY day with work and getting ready for a Town Board meeting on Thursday night, so I had better get myself settled in for the night.  Again tonight, as I lay my head on my pillow, I will rest in peace.  In the assurance that God has not left or forsaken us.  In HIS unending LOVE for us - in ALL circumstances.  In the knowledge that right up to the last second of his  life on earth, we know Rick LOVED us and we him.  I will rest well because God is GOOD . . . All the time, and All the time, God is GOOD!

What is impossible with man is possible with GOD!

Vacation is over . . . that is sad!  We all went to bed tonight in agreement that we had a very good Christmas break!   Chicago seems AGES ago, rather than just 2 weeks!

Everyone is already in bed (9:11 p.m.) as morning will come EARLY!  Tessa has Parli-Pro at 6:45 and I'm getting up early enough to keep my exercise resolution and walk on the treadmill BEFORE getting ready for work!  Tomorrow night, we will be heading to Iron Mountain for a basketball game, so we will be jumping back in full force!

I'm going to try to be short tonight so I can get to sleep as well, but after sleeping until 9:30 (!) this morning, that may be easier said than done!

This morning started with my devo reading "Relax in My Healing Presence"!  That was a good start to the day!  HIS healing presence, that IS something to relax in, and it is true, day by day He brings a little more healing!

Each day continues to have its share of happy and sad moments.  Today, the sad was in getting ready to run to town with the girls.  As I got dressed, I grabbed my red turtleneck sweater.  The red turtleneck sweater that I was wearing on November 5.  The red turtleneck sweater that I haven't worn SINCE November 5.  The red turtleneck sweater that was Rick's favorite color.  When I put it on that Saturday, I smiled, knowing Rick would like it . . . but, he never to to know I was wearing that sweater that day :(  It was hard to put it on today, but, I did, and I survived - yet another first - a little one, but still a first.  Another "sadness" is when we are shopping and I see "couples" shopping.  Doing those normal, mundane tasks, deciding what cereal to buy, or a T.V. stand.  Just "being together", enjoying (or sometimes not so much enjoying on "his" part - it's shopping after all) "life" . . . It's the "little" things that sometimes seem to hurt the most!

Last night, I was able to have a good "chat" via Facebook with a dear friend.  As we chatted, I was relating things that drive me crazy in this process, and things that I appreciate.  They said, "keep going - I'm learning"!  I said that we are all learning.  This is not a process that any of us are equipped to do on a normal basis.  It is not often that any of us faces the loss of someone too young, too soon.  I know that it happens all over the world, every day, but, in my small community, my limited exposure to the "world", it doesn't/hasn't happened very often.  So, we all muddle through, all learn together.  As I walk this new road, here are some "pointers" I gave last night (please remember these are from my perspective ONLY - they may not be right for someone else who is grieving!)  Anyway, here goes:

• PLEASE don't ignore me, even if you haven't seen us since before the accident, or since the funeral.  I might not show it, but I notice you avoiding me.
• PLEASE don't look at me with "pity" in your eyes - I know you grieve for and with us, but grieving, caring is different than pity.  Though we don't like this current situation any more than you do, or than you can imagine we do, pity doesn't help - it actually makes me MAD!
• PLEASE approach me as you normally would.
• PLEASE don't feel like you have to say the "right" thing, there is NO right thing to say!
• PLEASE give hugs - they are welcome and appreciated!
• PLEASE share your memories of Rick! (As Blair said to me last week, he might be gone, but he will NEVER be forgotten.)
• Don't feel like you need to baby-sit, but, by the same token, please don't "forget".  I think as time goes on, and we appear to be doing "so well", everyone moves on, forgetting somewhat that the grief is still new and still raw to us - each day that we live between now and November 5, 2012 will be a "first" for us.  Be it a "special" day, a holiday or just a normal day.
• Do send that text, Facebook message or e-mail.
• Do make that phone call - even if it's just to leave a quick message. (Those calls & messages mean more than you know!  There are a couple of people who have made it a habit to "check-in" on a regular basis and they have been my life-line!  They are the ones who I call or text or Facebook message when I need to say PRAY FOR ME - NOW, and I know they are there, and already praying!)
• Don't ask about our finances and other personal information like that- I have people who are assisting me in these areas - I trust them COMPLETELY - you should too!
• PLEASE remember that I am a "girl" (duh)!  BUT, I can do lots of things for myself! :)  I have put up curtain rods, I can mow the lawn, I know how to do most of the "pool guy" stuff.  So, it's a fine line for those who want to help!  In those areas, please TRUST that when I feel ill-equipped to complete a task, I WILL call any one of the wonderful people who have offered their assistance!
• Remember that the girls have lives to live - there will be times when they all have plans, but that might leave me alone.  Sometimes, alone time is good (when they went to camp and I had mentally prepared for it - it was GREAT, actually!).  Sometimes, alone time is bad (New Year's Eve).
• Don't be offended if you "offer" something and we say no (be it bringing a meal, having us over, or whatever), it's not that we don't appreciate it, or wouldn't love for you to ask again, there are just many reasons that we may want/need to say no at that particular moment!
• Do know that our strength comes ONLY from the Lord.  Without Him, we would be NOTHING and we would not be able face each day as it comes.
• If you wonder HOW we have this peace, and HOW we know with such certainty where Rick is today, please talk to me (or e-mail or send me a message on FB).  I would love to share my peace with you!

O.k., there you have it . . . well, not "it", this is not an exclusive list - I'm sure as soon as I hit "publish" I'll think of something else that I should have included! It's just a few pointers.  As I said in my Facebook chat last night, I'm not good at asking for help.  I am quite proficient at looking capable (and though I usually am, sometimes I "need" but don't want to put anyone else out).  I don't wan't PITY - love is great, hugs are great, but, pity, no, please keep it to yourself!  Let's walk this road TOGETHER, learning from our mistakes, and hopefully, we won't have to use the knowledge that we have gained any time soon!  I am thankful for everyone who reads here, it's become an outlet for me and a habit (don't they say it takes 21 days to form one?!).  I really "need" to put my thoughts down before sleep each night.  It is therapeutic and healing.

Luke 18:27 is a good verse to describe HOW we can go on day to day, exhibiting peace!   It states "What is impossible with men is possible with God."  I know that I'm taking it a bit out of the context it was written in, but it is true.  To man (the human eye or view) just "living" is impossible after the loss of Rick.  Having peace in the midst this tragedy seems impossible.  But, what is impossible with (to) man is possible with God.  So, "living" is possible!  Peace in the midst of the storm is possible!  We are living proof of that - and it's only by the GRACE OF GOD!  With Him ALL things are possible!

Rick & I always signed cards and notes with "Always & Forever, Bud".  The girls have a song they love, it's sad, but it reminds me of the love that Rick and I shared (a love that many people don't ever get to experience!♥)  You can listen to it on YouTube, it's called "Forever & Always".  Though it's sad, I love the "Forever Love" that it talked about ...  

Always & Forever, Bud. 

I will see you again & will ALWAYS LOVE YOU! ♥

As long as YOU are glorified!

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings 

Yet not welcome any pain

Shall I thank You for days of sunshine

Yet grumble in days of rain

Shall I love You in times of plenty

Then leave you in days of drought

Shall I trust when I reap a harvest

But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Oh let Your will be done in me

In Your love I will abide

Oh I long for nothing else as long 

As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper

And true only when I'm filled

Are you King only when I'm carefree

And God only when I'm well

You are good when I'm poor and needy

You are true when I'm parched and dry

You will reign in the deepest valley

You're still God in the darkest night.

So quiet my restless heart

So quiet my restless heart

Quiet my restless heart

in You.

Oh let Your will be done in me

In Your love I will abide

Oh I long for nothing else as long 

As You are glorified

This was one of the songs we sang at church this morning.  If you google "As Long As You Are Glorified" you can find and listen to it on YouTube!  It's a beautiful song, and a great reminder to start the New Year with.  "OH LET YOUR WILL BE DONE IN ME (that's NOT an easy one is it?  HIS will can surely take us somewhere we would NEVER choose to be, TRUST me, I know!), IN YOUR LOVE I WILL ABIDE (that is the ONLY place I can abide) , OH I LONG FOR NOTHING ELSE AS LONG, AS YOU ARE GLORIFIED (THAT is my prayer, that EVEN in this, that the LORD would be glorified)! YOU ARE GOOD WHEN I'M POOR AND NEEDY (maybe not poor, but certainly needy (like when I'm whining because I'm home alone on New Year's Eve!) - and some days WAY more than others), YOU ARE TRUE WHEN I'M PARCHED AND DRY, YOU WILL REIGN IN THE DEEPEST VALLEY (this is the DEEPEST valley I could have imagined myself in), YOU'RE STILL GOD IN THE DARKEST NIGHT (again, some nights are darker than others - last night felt like one of those "dark" nights).  Those last lines remind me of the "Footprints" poem.  I remember when my Grandma Newlin was in the hospital before she died, she told a nurse the story of the poem.  That always made it special to me, but even more-so now, the last line of the poem is RIGHT where we are ... "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you".  That was true for Grandma when she was in the hospital, she KNEW her Lord was carrying her, and it is true for us today, we KNOW that God is carrying us!  You can read the entire poem HERE!

My devotional this morning contained ANOTHER of my favorite verses, Jeremiah 29:11: "Tor I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  That's a lot to take in.  Plans to prosper and not harm, well, this seems kind of harm-ful right now, trying to carry on without my best friend, without the kid's daddy . . . but, ultimately in God's BIG plan, He has plans to prosper, to give us HOPE and a future.  The HOPE is our eternal hope, the hope that we have in HEAVEN, Rick's new "digs"!  We have the promise that right now, there is ONLY one set of footprints in the sand, that being because we are not walking this road alone, God is walking with us, carrying us, sustaining us, protecting us!  Those are AMAZING promises!  

This afternoon as I was driving home from Fred & Renee's (after some AMAZING FOOD and a fun afternoon with friends & famiily), I was thinking how EXCITED Rick would be about the Packer's season!  I could just HEAR him bragging about his Packers to anyone and everyone who would listen, and I realized that even THIS, the Packers AWESOME season is NOTHING, nothing compared to HEAVEN.   I also know that comparison is very weak and pale and does not do any justice to what Heaven will really be like!  But, even knowing that, it does give me that peace and that HOPE, that promise of WHERE Rick is, WHERE we will spend eternity.  As I was in church this morning, I was suddenly hit with how BLESSED we really are.  Blessed seems an odd word, because it's not easy to see our loss as a blessing, but, there are blessings among the circumstances.  The GREATEST blessing being that truth, the truth that we KNOW Rick is with the Lord.  We KNOW that he had a PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with Jesus Christ.  We know that he had asked the Lord into his heart and life.  We know that he professed this faith through the outward act of baptism.  We KNOW that Rick was NOT good enough (and he was a pretty good guy!), we KNOW that he didn't do enough "good works" (he did alot of those too, though!), we know that his parents didn't have him baptized as a baby promising him entrance into Heaven.  We know that it is only through Rick's PERSONAL faith in JESUS CHRIST that gained him entrance into Heaven.  And that, we do know!  I can say to you, to the kids, to ANYONE who asks, that I KNOW where Rick is today!  He is IN HEAVEN!  He is not in purgatory where I have to pray for him to be released into Heaven from.  He went IMMEDIATELY from that rooftop to Heaven's glories! All that to get back to the "blessing".  The blessing being that I KNOW that, that the kids know that.  How terrible would it be if we didn't know that.  If we weren't sure of his standing with the Lord.  If we didn't know of that time when he asked Christ to be his Savior and Lord.  If we thought that his death on earth was the end.  If we had to spend our days praying him "into" Heaven.  We have that assurance that we know where he is, that when I said "Daddy is in HEAVEN" to the girls that terrible moment in the hospital, it was the TRUTH.  How many others go through something like this WITHOUT that assurance.  How terrible is THAT?  How do you assure/comfort your children, without comfort yourself?  Yes, even in this tragedy, I am blessed.  I do not wonder, I KNOW!  Wow, that was a really long, rambling paragraph - I hope I didn't lose you!

So, tonight, on this FIRST day of 2012, I can go to bed in peace.  Though my future looks uncertain.  Though I will face this year without my best friend by my side.  Though it doesn't make any sense to my human mind.  Though I have learned that "people" will fail me.  Though some days I'd rather just stay home and not have to do "life" as "normal". Though . . . I could go on and on . . . Though all those things, I can still have PEACE.  The Peace that passes understanding.  The promise of HOPE and a FUTURE.  The promise that He reigns in the deepest valley.  The promise that He's still GOD in the darkest night.  The assurance that He will (ALWAYS) quiet my restless heart (if only I'm quiet long enough to listen to Him and let Him CARRY me)!