{c.o.n.f.e.s.s.i.o.n.}

confession ...

i'm sitting here at my computer, hands poised ready to type but i can't see for the tears blurring my vision.

confession ...

i'm crying over a person i really don't know.

over what seems so unfair to my human mind.

so.seriously.unfair.

i got a text this morning {which to preserve privacy i'm going to change important details} which read ...

"don't know if you saw on facebook but *E* died this past weekend after a battle with cancer. *E* had a spouse and a 5 year old child. *E* was a believer, but i know you know how their spouse who is still here feels.".

i don't really know *E* but that doesn't matter, in an instant *E's* spouse and i have a connection ... we've joined the ranks of the one relationship that God has ordained to last "til death do us part" ... parents grow old {usually} and die ... sometimes, sadly parents outlive their children and children die ... or children do as is the *natural* order of life, they grow up and move on, as they are supposed to ... the marriage relationship is the only one that is commanded after that covenant is made at the alter to last "til death do us part" ... but what happens when that parting comes sooner than our human mind anticipated?

death is not.ever.easy to understand here on earth because we are human.

however, death.is.a.part.of.life.

it is a part of living and loving and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and opening yourself fully to that one person you have covenanted to love "til death do you part". it can come slowly after illness or it can come quickly, unexpectedly like a thief in the night.

just be assured ...

it.will.come ... as i was reminded this morning.

band-aid removed.

scab picked.

wound opened.

yes.it happens.

every time i hear of someone losing their spouse ... especially when the loss seems to have happened too early in our human minds. the wound is jarred just a little ... it will always remain for it is a battle scar that makes me who i am. and i have had to learn that that is o.k.!

yes. i have been given love again and am forever grateful, but human remembrance still remains, and sometimes is triggered when it is least expected. 

so the wound is re-opened in that i know how the spouse feels.and the acknowledgement that you know that i know how the spouse feels becomes a strangely healing balm. you know that i know ... you get that this road as the widow/widower is a unique one. hurt, yet healing all at the same time.

and ironically {?} you knowing that i know and today being the 5th of the month triggered tears that i didn't expect!

the 5th of the month ... the "day" of the month that our lives changed forever. a day i thought would ALWAYS be marked with remembrance .... 1 month ago today ... 5 months ago today ... 9 months ago today .... 33 months ago today .... but even that memory "fades". never forgotten, yet not so keenly sharp as in those first few "5th's" we encountered. 

yet today, today i woke up aware it was the 5th ... counted the "time" {5 years and 10 months} and was thankful. thankful that i am as aware today as i was on 11/5/11 that rickey is in heaven, celebrating with our Lord and Savior for all eternity {what a party that must be}. thankful for where i am today, for who i am today and for how God has shown himself to me over and over and over again in those 5 years and 10 months! i woke up thankful for the amazing gift of the man lying next to me who i was blessed with when God opened my heart and allowed me to love again! thankful for where God has led us and for the adventures we have coming up in the next 6 weeks {stay tuned for those}. thankful for 3 beautiful daughters who have followed their daddy's heart and love Jesus with all of theirs! thankful that God does work all things {even seemingly senseless tragedy} together for good.

so, yes, tears blur my vision. 

grief for another life that seems to have been cut way too short by earthly standards. a little one whose life is forever altered because a parent they adore is no longer here on this earth to love on them. grief for another parent left to do the job of 2. grief for a spouse left wondering how they are supposed to do it alone. grief for a family left grieving.

but, hope.

hope because God knows.  he knows the grief of this little one who will miss their parent forever. he knows the ache of the spouse who feels, right now, like their right arm has been ripped off.

hope because God knows. he knows the grief of the family and the questions of "why" and he holds every.single.one of the tears this dear family is crying in a bottle.

God knows.

while we in our human frailty don't know and can't understand, HE DOES. and therein lies the miracle of Him.

so i confess.

tears blur my vision ... tears of grief for human loss.

tears because of a simple but profound statement "i know you know how *E's* spouse feels".

tears of joy because another believer is home for eternity!

tears, because sometimes you just have to let them out so HE can catch them and hold them in a bottle for you ... and because i held mine in for way too long after losing rickey.

confession.

life is hard.

truth.

God is good.

all the time.

and

all the time

God is good!