deal.breakers ... and more

when rickey died {suddenly, unexpectedly}, we did not get the time to say good-bye at his bedside. there was not time for him to tell me his wishes and dreams for me and the girls for the future ... however, he and i had talked some about if we couldn't be together. he had told me during one of those talks, "if we couldn't be together, i'd want to help pick someone out for you, i don't want you to be alone."

so because of that, and because he and i had a pretty good marriage, i knew that i could move forward and keep living, even though part of me died with him that day.

i also knew, after being married to my best friend for almost 20 years that life WAS better when shared with someone you love ♥

so, it was after 20 years of being a "couple" i became a "single" and re-entered the scene of "getting to know someone" ... and at 46 years old that.is.scary!

... i promise to blog more about that someday, but for today ...

God did allow me the chance to "get to know someone", and that someone's name was rick {yep, you read that right, rick ... and there's more "similarities" but that's another blog post!}. 

before this rick and i met in person, we met online and shared 3,000+ Facebook messages, e-mails and texts {no, that is not a typo, yes, i said 3,000+ ... in less than a week!}

we hit on the "big" stuff, making sure that meeting was even a good idea ...

*married before?

*kids?

*grandkids?

*do you like the Packers {could have been a deal-breaker}?

*political views?

and the biggie ...

*do you have personal relationship with Jesus Christ - tell me about it!

after those "deal-breaker" questions, came others {still potentially deal-breakers}, including ...

*do you drink, smoke, do drugs?

{if you know me, or have read and remember - i was kind of raised in a "bubble" ... those things were all big no-no's!}

rick's answer of "i have" to that question was difficult for me, because "i haven't"!

conversation continued and he told me about his battle with addiction to alcohol, and his first attempt at becoming sober and then his second {which different from the first time, included AA and, more importantly, Christ!}

God moved in my heart, and for some reason this did not scare me away, it actually made me more intrigued about who this man was ...

his addiction and recovery has been something he has shared with very few, though he and i talk of it fairly often, always remembering the date and reason his sobriety began.

fast forward to yesterday.

february 11.

rick's sobriety date.

8 years ago.

but this year, he shared his journey. on facebook.

for everyone to see.

in the hopes it might help someone else.

i'm proud of him for sharing.

when you lay something like that out for the world to see, you risk.

you risk reactions, you risk responses, you risk respect, you become someone you weren't before you hit "publish" on that post. 

but, he took the risk, with the prayer that it may help just one person who may be struggling themselves with an addiction.

here is what rick posted on his facebook page yesterday:

"8 years ago yesterday I received a phone call from my oldest son that should have made me a very happy New Grampy! To make things clear, I absolutely LOVE my granddaughter! However when I got that call I had also just became the ONE thing I NEVER wanted to be. I had recently returned from military deployment, unemployed for months, struggling in and out of a relationship and now to put the icing on the cake... I AM a single, drunk Grampa going home to his empty apartment and six pack of beer (and bottle of Vodka)... 

Only by God's grace am I sober now for 8 years! I thank God for putting the right people in my life to help me along. I offer amends where I can and have an amazing, growing relationship with The Living God! 

I put this out here if anyone ever wants to talk.

An Absolutely HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me, thank you Lord!"

sometimes.life.{marriage}.gets.messy

he said " _______________________ " {fill in the blank with whatever you want}

i heard " _______________________ " {again, fill in the blank with whatever you want} 

does this ever happen in your house? it does in mine! it did yesterday!

he said, "did you replace the furnace filter?"

i {heard} "you n.e.v.e.r. do anything right" {maybe i over-reacted a little?}

he left for work {oblivious to my {errant} thought pattern!}

i stayed home.

and stewed.

"he doesn't love me"

"i never do anything right"

"he doesn't even care about all of the things that i DO take care of"

"why can't he just compliment me on s.o.m.e.t.h.i.n.g."

{sigh}

{breathe}

{pray}

yep. pray. yep, it's last on the list. why is it the last, not the first? 

well, it wasn't the last, there were little prayers thrown heavenward throughout my {not-so} nice little dialog with myself, but they weren't really sincere.

i did get lots of cleaning done {i clean when i'm stewing} so i guess a bit of good came from it!

he came home. smiling. gave me a kiss. sat down to supper. like.nothing.was.wrong.!!!!!

really? really? really?

really.

so i did all that cleaning for nothing?!

sometimes, marriage is messy.

sometimes we wonder WHAT we got ourselves into.

sometimes, marriage is blissful.

sometimes we are on TOP of the world and it seems life can't possibly get any better than t.h.i.s.!

usually, it's somewhere in-between.

usually, it's the day-to-day, go to work, pay the bills, do the laundry, fix the meals, shovel the snow {or mow the lawn}, love, encourage and support each other kind of day.

so, on those blissful days, remember life isn't perfect {we live in a fallen world} but enjoy the bliss that God sprinkles down on you. on those messy days {we live in a fallen world} remember the blissful days and remind yourself that "this too shall pass". and on those other days, the "normal" days, be thankful for the blissful, and the messy ... because each of them teach us to live and laugh and love and appreciate what we have, who we are, who our spouse is and the true gift that marriage really is!  

today, whether it is blissful, messy or somewhere in between, tell your spouse how much you love them and how much they really mean to you ... you're not promised tomorrow ... make the MOST of today!

p.s. i love you rick ... thanks for putting up with my "messy" days! ♥

tell.them.what.they.need.to.hear

"If you looked me right in the eye

Would you see the pain deep inside?

Would you take the time?

Tell me what I need to hear

Tell me that I'm not forgotten

Show me there's a God who can be

More than all I've ever wanted

'Cuz right now, I need a little hope

I need to know that I'm not alone

Maybe God is calling you tonight

To tell me something that might save my life"

{Sidewalk Prophets ... watch the official video/song HERE}

can you relate to these lyrics?

have you ever felt this way?

have you ever hidden pain deep inside?

have you ever felt forgotten?

have you ever needed a little hope?

have you ever needed to know that you aren't alone?

as a "good sunday school girl" i know that God is ALWAYS there.  i'm never really alone. yet, God did not call us to be an island.  if He had, he would not have created eve to be adam's helpmate. God created us for community.  He created us to need each other.  how often though, are we so caught up in living that we forget that? how often do we we forget that others need us?

my dream in life was to be a wife and a mama ... God blessed me and allowed me to be just that, but there were days when the girls were little and messes were plenty that i felt alone - even in a house full of commotion and sticky little fingers and dirty little faces. but, i've been known to be a little stubborn, so i hid behind a smile so nobody would feel the pain deep inside.

i was blessed to love and be loved, but i felt alone during hunting season or hunting trips or just those days that seemed like i'd be potty training forever! but, i've been known to be a little stubborn, so i hid behind a smile so nobody would feel the pain deep inside.

i faced every wife's worst nightmare when i heard a dr. say "i'm sorry, rickey didn't make it".  i was surrounded by people, but i was oh.so.alone! but, i've been known to be a little stubborn, so i hid behind a smile so nobody would feel the pain deep inside.

i was blessed to be allowed to love again.  God allowed me to move forward in life and love and be loved by another Godly man, but some people didn't understand. they said i didn't give them enough time to grieve. they said it was "too soon". they thought that loving again meant forgetting rickey {only those who have experienced it first hand understand how foolish that thought is. when you have a 2nd child (or 3rd, or 4th or more) you don't love the first any less or forget the first. such is the love for a deceased spouse - you just choose to continue loving while moving forward with what God has in store for you}. but, i've been known to be a little stubborn, so i hid behind a smile so nobody would feel the pain deep inside.

did i mention that i've been known to be a little stubborn? Godly submission to the leadership of my husband was not something that came easily {in the past or in my new marriage}, so during the first year or so of being married to Rick, i struggled {a lot} ... but, i've been known to be a little stubborn, so i hid behind a smile so nobody would feel the pain deep inside.

i've gotten {a little} better at allowing my husband to lead, but when that leading called us to a new church, a new direction, i didn't like it. but, i've been known to be a little stubborn, so i hid behind a smile so nobody would feel the pain deep inside.

i don't share all of these "events" to make you feel bad for me ... i share them because without them, i could not relate to the song that i posted above.  without them, i could not understand the need to love.  without them, i could not understand that i need to LOVE others.  without them, i would not have learned {truly learned} that we are not meant to be an island. without them, i would not be able to try each day to reach out to someone. to try and tell someone what they need to hear. to let someone know that they aren't forgotten. to let them know that there IS a God who is more than they've ever dreamed of and He is more than they've EVER wanted! because i've felt that way, i pray that i can give someone a little hope, that i can let someone hope ...

that they're not alone!

who in your life needs that message today?

if it's YOU, please know that you're not alone.  you are loved! if you are reading this, i love you, and there is a God who loves you and He is more than you've ever wanted!

if it's not you, who in your life needs to hear this? tell them, tell them today! tell them something that might save their life!

what i learned from cam newton

{this post will start with a disclaimer: i obviously do not personally know cam newton. i don't know his personal relationship with Jesus Christ. i am not claiming to know his thoughts, motives or actions on or off the playing field. i am not here to begin a conversation or a debate on cam's actions on or off the field, during the game or during the post-game conference. i am only relating what i SAW in a brief 30 seconds or so to how i can apply it to my personal life!}

last night as i watched the super bowl, i saw something that spoke to me ... and then it spoke to me again in the middle of the night as i was having trouble sleeping. 

towards the end of the game, cam newton was visibly frustrated that a "roughing the passer" call was not made by the ref. after a brief interaction with the ref, cam turned away holding onto the straps of his helmet, still visibly trying to regain control of his emotions.

i can only imagine that in that moment, in total frustration {his team is losing, he thought the ref missed a call} he wanted to pull those straps, take off that helmet, throw it to the ground and stomp off the field {or if he had been me, melt into a puddle of tears}. 

he did none of those. with millions of people watching around the world and with cameras focused on him, catching his every move, his every reaction, his every expression, he "sucked it up buttercup", he kept his helmet on and he showed grace.

which brings me to what i learned from cam newton {or more accurately, what God showed me through the actions of cam newton}!

how many times have i thought a "roughing the passer" call was missed?

how many times have i felt wronged, and how have i responded?

*how do i react when my people don't seem to notice the "nice" things that i did for them, but call me out on something i did wrong?

*how do i react when i feel lonely or hurt or sad and someone doesn't notice or doesn't do something about it when i think they should have?

*how do i react when someone says or does something that hurts me?

*how do i react when life throws me a curve ball? 

{and let me tell you, losing my husband when i was 45 years old was a MAJOR curve ball!}

*how do i react when friends leave me out of their plans?

*how do i react when i feel not loved or not appreciated?

*how do i react when that "roughing the passer" call is not made and life hurts? 

{because sometimes, it just does!}

do I allow my human sinful desires to take over? do i unsnap those straps on my helmet, throw it to the ground and stomp off the field?

do i say "coach {God}, i've had e.n.o.u.g.h. life isn't fair. this isn't fair. this isn't what i signed on the dotted line for. i don't want to play anymore. i'm done. i don't want to be nice. i don't want to do the right thing. why didn't you throw the yellow flag, God? where are you? this is.not.fair. and i'm d.o.n.e.?"

or...

do I grab those straps, hang on tight, take a deep breath and say "o.k. coach {God}, You know what You're doing. i don't know why you didn't throw the yellow flag. i don't know why You allowed this hurt {or disappointment, or loss or un-fulfilled longing} into my life. i don't get it and i may not like it, but i'll keep my helmet on. i'll take a deep breath. i'll lean on You to be my strength when my strength is gone. i'll step back on that playing field with my head held high and i'll show grace. because even in the times that i have thrown my helmet down and i have stomped off the field and i have acted like You were wrong and i was right, You loved me anyway. You loved me anyway."

i saw cam newton do that last night. i saw him hang on by a thread. i saw him show grace when millions of eyes were trained on him. when cameras were focused on him. for 10 or 20 or 30 seconds while a battle for control must have been raging within, he showed grace. he kept his helmet on. he turned back to the task at hand and he finished what he started though i believe his heart was probably breaking as he saw his dream of a super bowl championship slowly slipping away. he kept the course, he finished the race {game}!

his team may not have won the game last night. he may have been criticized for his post-game interview. he may be lamenting all of the would have's, should have's and could have's from last night. he is human and he is in the public spotlight. he will say and do and act in ways that are criticized by Christians and non-Christians alike, but for those 30 seconds or so last night, in my eyes, i saw cam show grace, and God used those few moments to speak to me. those few moments and the few moments post-game when he went to payton manning and congratulated him ...

yes, in my eyes, cam newton showed grace.

God used cam newton to teach me a lesson. through cam newton, God reminded me of the times

*when i have thrown down my helmet and stomped off of the field, 

*when i have failed to see all the good He has brought to my life and only see the "bad",

*when i have reacted badly to the circumstances He has allowed in my life,

*when i have hurt Him by my actions/reactions,

*when i have responded poorly when life threw me a curve ball,

*when i have left Him out of my plans,

*when i have failed to show Him the love and appreciation and adoration that is due HIM,

still He loves me.  still He extends grace to me. still He holds me in his strong, loving, protective arms.

even when i've thrown down my helmet. even when i've stomped off of the playing field. even when i've said "i'm done". even then, He still loves me.  He still extends His loving hand to me. He still holds me. He still waits for me to come back to Him. He still shows me grace ... a grace that i must show to others ... even when i think a "roughing the passer" flag should have been thrown!

and that is what i learned from cam newton last night!

a.perfect.day

we've had a couple of quiet days around here. snowstorm bucky kept us home tuesday evening and wednesday. that meant a nice snowy soak in the hot tub on tuesday night and a coffee and soccer watching day {for rick!} yesterday while I caught up on some keep work and welcomed a new designer to my team!

i feel like i'm aging myself, but boy do i enjoy just being able to be home! or maybe rather than "aging", i'm maturing? I am learning to appreciate and enjoy the simple things! a quiet day spent at home with some of those I love the most is a perfect day to me! 

tonight as I settle in for the night, i will end my day as it began, thankful for the love of my Savior, Jesus Christ. for the love of a Godly husband, amazing children, wonderful parents, siblings, extended family and friends! 

what are you thankful for tonight and what does your perfect day look like?! share your thoughts in the comments below!

easier.said.than.done!

for those of you who don't multi-task, this will make no sense, but for those who do, I think you'll get it!

it is h.a.r.d. to shut down my brain. to think of only one thing. to focus on the task at hand and only the task at hand!

after yesterday's post, i found myself reminding myself that i could not post to instagram, begin my friend's online social, put the dogs out and start supper while.i.was.in.the.shower ... yet my mind was processing all those thoughts and more ... ugh! it's going to be hard to teach this old dog new tricks, but i'm willing to work at it. 

today was a new day. i think i did a little better. i felt a little more focused on the tasks at hand. i made supper and actually stayed in the kitchen the whole time i was working on it, that's a start, right?!

tomorrow is another day. one.step.at.a.time.  one.day.at.a.time! i know that i will have a much happier husband if i can learn to do this. i know that i'll actually accomplish more and with better results if i can learn to do this. i know that my stress level will be reduced if i can learn to do this. so, i'll keep trying. and for now ... on to the.next.thing. ... which will soon be the hot tub on this snowy yooper evening .... aaaahhhhhh i think that will be one place i can put everything aside and relax, we'll see!

...one.step.at.a.time...

if you are anything like me you probably have a to-do list in your mind {or several of them} and maybe a honey-do list, along with a bucket-list, and an "if i had the time" list and, and, and ... 

your mind is probably often overwhelmed with the would have's, could have's and should have's along with the need-to's, want to's and hope to's ...

no wonder we often feel overwhelmed, under appreciated and just plain stressed out!

no wonder 1 in 5 americans are currently on some sort of mood altering prescription medication.

no wonder our lives often seem like the same-old, same-old day in and day out.

no wonder we don't enjoy life, when we are constantly focusing on all of that instead of FIRST turning our focus to the One who gave us life!

in the course of life, we so often neglect the important {the REALLY important} for what we perceive to be important, or urgent, or necessary.  we focus on all we have to do and become so overwhelmed, nothing gets done!

just this morning, my mind was going in that direction!

rick and i had discussed this weekend that i should get back to blogging.  i enjoy writing, and it is a release for me, but really, WHERE will i find the time? what will i have to sacrifice to do it, what does it look like?  while i'm still not sure of all of the details, i do plan to get back to it - realizing that some days, it may be a mere sentence or two, some days it may read more like a short novel, and that's o.k.!

so, this morning, i sipped my coffee while reading my devotions, while snuggling the dogs, while trying to pay attention to what kajsa had planned for the day, while planning my next instagram post, while thinking about how to grow my keep business .... while making my "lists" for the day {yes, i am the epitome of a multi-tasker - doing much at once and often doing none of it well}. remember amidst this insane multi-tasking roller-coaster i was on, i was {attempting} to read my devotions ... i opened my "Jesus calling" app on my phone to read today's devotional and WHAM ... sometimes God does use a 2x4!

"follow me one step at a time. that is all I require of you.  in fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world.  you see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you're going to scale those heights ... {get app here for iOS}"

ouch! so i shut out my lists, i re-read that first paragraph, i put down my coffee, and i took a deep breath.  i thanked God that He really does meet me right.where.i.am!  then i read the rest of the devo. i gave rick my full attention as he prepared to leave for the day and then i sat down to revamp my blog - after saying a prayer for a clear mind and guidance, since the changes i attempted last night in "multi-task mode" had not been successful! and guess what? a few clicks here, a few clicks there and my blog looked like i wanted it to! hhmmm maybe this "multi-tasking" isn't all it's cracked up to be? 

one.step.at.a.time.

today, i'm vowing {with God's help} to slow down and just do.the.next.thing!

i'll let you know tomorrow how my day went, but for now, i'm off to do the next thing!