I think I've mentioned before, and events and a conversation yesterday reminded me of my answer to the question, "What do you miss the most"?
My answer was, and is, "I miss being somebody's "priority". I miss being the most important person in someone's life. I could say, I miss being someone's princess". I know that as time goes on, and day by day, my answer could and probably will change, but this is my answer right now as I struggle to learn to be "alone" - even when I'm in a crowd!
So, because I felt that "alone-ness" yesterday, because I had that conversation yesterday, because I day-dreamed about Rick yesterday and dreamed about him last night, I woke up with that empty feeling.
I went on Facebook to wish my best friend, Donna's daughter a Happy Birthday, and found a post by one of her friends (Kristi turned 19, so I'm assuming the author of the post is around that age, I don't know her).
In her post, she shared about a book that she is reading, and how she is listening to God through it. I looked up the book on Amazon.com and it's called "Cativating - Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John Eldridge. It is a book I must buy for my iPad!
This beautiful young lady, Jordan, whom I've never met was used to speak to me this morning! I'm not looking for a "boyfriend" like she might be, but, I'm still feeling the emptiness of no longer being somebody's priority, their princess . . . Rick's princess!
In Jordan's own words (with the parts that spoke to me included here): "I want to be a princess, I want to be pursued, I want to be someone's everything . . . Jesus is the only boyfriend (that's Her word - mine would be Jesus is the only ONE . . . For as much as he may have loved me, even RICK couldn't completely fulfill that longing in my heart!) who's going to fill my gap . . . to Him, I am a princess . . . He pursues me every single second of the day! . . . I am HIS everything . . . He's never going to let me go . . . the GREATEST MAN out there already calls me HIS!" The Bible says to have faith like a child - to me that includes anyone young enough for me to have given birth to - even a 19-ish year old, who I don't even know!
Though we all lost SO MUCH on November 5, God still wants to gently remind me that I'm NOT alone. HE has always and will always consider me His PRIORITY! In the conversation I had yesterday, we DID go down that "road" as we talked . . . That God loves me more than Rick, HE is ALWAYS there for me, He dose make me His PRIORITY . . . however, there MUST be more than "lip service" given to this thought. Because though in my mind I "know" that the statements are true, the knowing and the real life can often be very different things. Though I KNOW that He pursues me, though I KNOW that I AM His priority, though I know that I am His "princess", it's STILL not the same! That knowledge of "knowing" how much HE loves me can't be on the other end of the phone when I just NEED to hear Rick's voice. That "knowledge" can't take me out to dinner at the Landing (as I was driving to the funeral home yesterday, I thought to myself "I'm all dressed up in the middle of the day on a Saturday, I sure wish Rick & I were headed out to a nice dinner at the Landing after the funeral home"). That "knowledge" isn't PHYSICALLY there at the finish line . . . "knowing" that God can be and is all those things to me and so much more, has to follow my heart knowing it and trusting it as well. And sometimes, THAT is where the "rubber meets the road" That is where it is hard . . . it is hard because even though I know that Rick is in a FAR BETTER place, and even though I know that God alone can fill every single empty place in my heart, I'm still HUMAN and as humans, it is hard to grasp the reality and concept of a triune God! It is hard to accept God's unconditional love for me and His never-ending attention to every single detail of my life!
So, today again, moment by moment, I had to CHOOSE. To choose to believe that He IS in control. To choose to believe that He loves me best. To choose to believe that He IS in my yesterday, He is here with me moment by moment today, and He is also already in my tomorrow, just pleading with me! Pleading with me, asking me to LET Him love me. To let myself be HIS priority. To enjoy the blessings that are there for me, because,
I AM A PRINCESS . . . My Father is the King of Kings! ♥
(p.s., if you are following my "exercise" journey as well as my spiritual journey, I took a 6 mile bike ride BEFORE Sunday School & church today and then took a one mile walk this evening! I am also helping to plan a 5K run/walk for May 12, with proceeds raised going towards our church's Missions Trip to Liberia this summer! It feels SO GOOD to be working together on a project that will impact the WORLD for Jesus!)