t.o.d.a.y.

{disclaimer . . . long, rambling post to follow!}

Today…

Today I’m feeling lonesome.

  

Today I’m thankful for ♥ friends ♥ and laughter.

Today, I’m thinking about how the last 12 weeks have changed our lives.

Today, I’m thankful that GOD has held on to me TIGHTLY for the last 12 weeks.

Today,  I’m really missing my RICKEY . . . missing those things that you “just know” about someone after 20 years together.  Missing the private jokes that only he and I understood.  Missing him being a text away during the day.  Missing him watching the Hunting Channel as I surf the net before bedtime.  Missing life as I knew it for the last 20 years . . . .

Today, I’m TRUSTING in the LORD with ALL MY HEART, for today, I can’t lean on my own understanding, because, I really don’t understand!  

Sometimes, it’s hard to know WHAT to say here.  I do not write because I want pity.  I do not write to draw attention.  I do not write to make others feel bad . . . .

. . . . Yet, I still come to write each evening  -  or may day doesn’t feel complete.

So, here I am.

Rambling . . .

“…when you walk on this path (of trust), you live above your circumstances . . . relying on your own understanding will weigh you down.  Trust in Me absolutely, and I will make your path straight.”  - Jesus Calling

I work with a wonderful bunch of people.  In the midst of the busy-ness of the day, and the craziness that sometimes ensues, we still manage to have fun.  We, for the most part, like each other.  We have our own “private” jokes – that make us laugh – and other people look at us like we are just a little crazy!

Today was a day that I “noticed” those friendships, rather than just taking them for granted as I often do.  Yet, in that, today, I felt lonesome.  Because at the end of the day, though my house is filled with love and laughter, it is still DRASTICALLY changed.  Changed in a way I never dreamed, and I never would have asked for.

In life, I have many titles . . . up until 12 weeks ago, I was “wife”.  I am still “daughter”, “sister”, “sister-in-law”, “Mama”, “Auntie”, “Gramma Sheila”, “Miss Sheila”, “Mrs. Rye”, “friend” . . . and in those titles, there is an underlying theme . . .  “Caregiver”.  Real or imagined, I’m a “caregiver”.  I think I’ve always felt that “nurturing” spirit.  I remember how much I LOVED to play with my baby dolls when I was a little girl.  Even then, I loved to “take care” of someone/something!

I’m not saying that being a caregiver is a bad thing – it’s NOT!  But, I also find that sometimes I have to “let go” of some of the people I “care” for.  Over the past 12 weeks, I have {at least mentally}, “cared for” so many people that it makes me tired!  I’ve cared for the family whose house Rick was working at.  I’ve cared for the man (Kevin) who was helping him on the roof that day.  I’ve cared for the first responders {Rescue Squad & Police} who responded that day.  I’ve cared for the E.R. Dr. and Nurse.  I’ve cared for Rick’s and my parents & siblings, I’ve cared for Jim & Tony (who Rick worked with EVERY DAY), I’ve cared for his friends/hunting buddies/card playing partners, I've cared for Gary & Bev (the funeral director & wife as well as AWESOME friends), the kids, the grandkids  . . . . do you get the picture?  As each Friday arrives I “remember” what we were doing 2, 4, 8, 12 weeks ago, RIGHT now. Then, Saturday arrives and I re-run the moments of that day, leading up to “the accident”, to Rick’s going to HEAVEN through my mind.   And as I replay the moments . . .  I pray over all of those people that I “care for”.   I worry about how the homeowners are doing, how Kevin is doing, how the EMT’s/Policemen are doing, how the parents/siblings are doing, the co-workers, the friends  . . . Yes, I WORRY about them.  And then I wonder, are they remembering?  Do they remember?  Do they have nightmares (especially those “on-scene”)?  Do they know I love each of them?  Do they know that there was nothing they could do?  Honestly, I fully believe that at THAT MOMENT, Jesus called and Rick listened – he went HOME – with his eyes FULLY on his LORD!   Do they know that though?  Do they think they should have/could have done “more”?  I worry that maybe they don’t really know.  That they “blame” themselves.  That they think I “blame” them.   I want to “take care” of them!  I want to make sure they are o.k. too!  I want them to have the PEACE that the LORD has given me.  So, I find as the weeks march on, I have to try to stop “taking care” of everyone.  I have to give it over to the Lord and let HIM take care of them – because He does it so much better than I can!

.  . . Life goes on.  We move forward . . . time heals . . . slowly.  The sharp sting fades a little each day.  Days are filled with new joys and new experiences, wonderful memories (old and new) that fill my heart with smiles.  Days filled with a new sense of loneliness.  A loneliness that can’t really be explained – unless you have “been there”.  People do try.  I know they do.  But, really unless you’ve BEEN THERE you can’t know.  Divorce isn’t the same.  Never being married isn’t the same.  Losing a parent isn’t the same . . . . I’m not saying those situations are any less painful, they just aren’t “the same”.  As I said a couple of weeks ago {hi-jacked from another blog}, people don’t know “what to do with me”.   Society is not prepared to deal with 45 year old widows . . . it’s not in our realm of “normal”!   Sometimes at work as we joke around, someone will say something, about their spouse, or about the challenges of married life – a disagreement with a spouse, a mis-understanding, something funny that happened, and then they look at me like they shouldn’t have shared it – but it’s o.k., I KNOW they are still married – I’m glad they are still married . . . it’s o.k. – really – life DOES go on.  I do try to remind them to make their family a PRIORITY though.  All the hours you spend at work mean NOTHING in the end.  Those won’t be the moments that are cherished when they are all gone.  The time spent together is what cherished memories are made of!

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this tonight.  I don’t want to be “gloomy”.  God has given me a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).   God has become more real to me than He ever was before!  God has shown to me that I have a few REALLY GOOD friends (you know who you are!), and that is enough!  God has shown me that when people fail me, HE never fails.  God has shown me that I can fully rely on Him for my EVERY need and He will suppy ALL my needs according to HIS RICHES in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).  GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME and ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD.  That is a cliché saying, yet, I believe it with every fiber of my being.  God does not act in a way to harm me.  He loves me immensely more than anyone else EVER has.  He has planned EVERY MOMENT of EVERY DAY of my life – from FIRST breath to LAST!  So even today as I feel lonely, GOD IS HERE.  He is with me.  He is asking me to BE STILL and KNOW.  To KNOW that HE IS.  And in the end, THAT is all I need to know – He will take care of the rest! ♥