I'm totally drained tonight . . . it's been one of "those days".  Just one of "those days"  Kind of one of those "one thing after another days".  A day where I felt "all alone" and that nobody understood . . . but, GOD did!  And for that, I'm so thankful!  I'm also so THANKFUL for my beautiful (outside AND inside) girls!  The day ended on a bright note as we went out for supper and laughed and loved together! ♥

As I was driving today, I heard AMAZING GRACE, MY CHAINS ARE GONE, the song from Rick's funeral . . . beautiful words, and so true, my chains ARE gone, my God my Savior has ransomed me!  And ALL of Rick's chains are gone . . . He has been fully rescued and ransomed!  I was also thinking about that moment when "God called him" . . . and I thought about that and how it could make me mad . . . why didn't he "fight" to stay with us?  Yet, I've never felt that, and today, it came to me . . . at that moment, God DID call Rick, He called him home, and Rick went - joyfully . . . and it doesn't mean in any way that Rick loved us any less, it's just that he loved God MORE . . . and isn't that how it should be for ALL of us?  Rick is STILL teaching me lessons! ♥

The day of Rick's accident, Taya & I were headed out to camp.  I just "knew" something wasn't right and we should go home (where we found Trooper Borski and Pastor & Bobbi waiting for us).  The spot where we turned around always makes my heart skip a beat - and I have to pass it EVERY DAY when we go to school/work . . . and any other time we go to Stephenson . . . some reminders just can't go away.  Today, when I got to that spot, I had to pull over as I was meeting Mid County 114 (the local volunteer rescue squad).  It was followed by the BAMC (the local hospital)'s "intercept" vehicle.  The same TWO vehicles that responded to the 911 call for Rick - right at the spot I turned around, because "something wasn't right" . . . on one of the hardest days I've had in quite awhile . . . WHAT IN THE WORLD??? . . . 

But, God.

But, God knows.  He KNOWS, He KNEW I was having a bad day.  He KNEW I was hurting.  Right after the rescue vehicles passed and I was back on the road, the Mercy Me song that has come on countless times as I'm missing Rick came on . . . 

"This is not my home, this is not my space . . . Can't get comfortable, can't get settled in . . . "  

The song continues on, but one line hit me today - and I took it out of the context of the song, but it says

"This won't go to waste" 

. . . and that is what I needed to hear - Rick's life (and death) will NOT go to waste . . . IF God can continue to be GLORIFIED!

But, God.

He knows that even though I can't sing to save my life, music is a huge ministry to me . . . so He sent me a couple of other songs today that hit me right where I was!  He also sent just the right people at just the right time.  I'm thankful for Him, and for them.  Again tonight, I can lay my head on my pillow (that is covered in a camo pillowcase that is made from one of Rick's t-shirts!) and sleep peacefully, because GOD IS WITH ME!  Even on one of "those days"!

"NO MATTER WHAT" 

by:  Kerrie Roberts

I'm running back to Your promises one more time

Lord that's all I can hold on to

I gotta say this has taken me by surprise

But nothing surprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life

It has to go through Your hands

And even though I keep asking why

I keep asking why

No matter what, I'm gonna love You

No matter what I'm gonna need You

I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, I'll trust You

No matter what, no matter what

When I'm stuck and there's nothing else by myself

I'm just sitting in silence

There's no way I can make it without Your help

I won't even try it

I know You have Your reasons for everything 

So I will keep believing

Whatever I might be feeling, God, You are my hope

And You will be my strength,

No matter what, I'm gonna love You

No matter what I'm gonna need You

I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, I'll trust You

No matter what, no matter what

Anything I don't have You can give it to me

But it's okay if You don't, I'm not here for those things

The touch of Your love is enough on its own

No matter what I still love You and I'm gonna need You

No matter what I'm gonna love You

No matter what I'm gonna need You

I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, I'll trust You

No matter what, no matter what

"BEFORE THE MORNING"

by:  Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?

If there's a God who loves you where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening to bring a better ending

Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing?

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling 

It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends

And you know where you're going

You just don't know how you'll get there so say a prayer

And hold on 'cause there's good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time

But you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing?

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning.

Once you feel the weight of glory

All your pain will fade to memory

Once you feel the weithg of glory

All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah!

Come, on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning!