Well, tonight I was going to be "clever". Then I was going to be "snippy". Then i was going to be "in-your-face" honest. Then I wasn't going to blog at all . . . but, here I am . . . and I may ramble . . . sorry!!
The last couple (is it few or several or couple . . . Rick and I ALWAYS argued about that!!) weeks have been rough weeks. The have been amazing weeks. They have been restorative weeks. They have been exciting, relaxing, tiring, overwhelming, crazy weeks! And I wouldn't trade them for the world.
I've also made mistakes in the past weeks. Many. And, you know what? I'll make many more in the days, weeks, months and years to come. I'll say dumb things. I'll do dumb things. I'll burn bridges I shouldn't have and I'll keep bridges that should be burned. I'll say things about GOD and faith that I MEAN, but don't always ACT. I will fail my girls. I will fail my parents. I will fail Rick's memory and legacy. I will fail my friends and my employers and my co-workers. I'll fail GOD.
So tonight, rather than clever, or snippy or in your face, I'll just ask you, if you read my blog and don't know me in person, please know, that it's not all flowers and sunshine in my life - I'm a normal person with normal bad days - I just vowed from the beginning of this journey to LOOK for and try to FIND the silver lining . . . in EVERY day, because I believe if I look hard enough and trust in God along the way, that even on the worst days, He can give me SOMETHING beautiful! If you know me in person because you go to church with me or you see me at the grocery store or you work with me or our kids are friends or any of the other ways we may have connected, please remember that I WILL FAIL. I will BLOW IT and sometimes not PRACTICE what I PREACH. I will say and do things and I will act in ways that I later regret . . . and for that, I'm SORRY.
I've made and un-made and made again some "big" (for me) decisions over the past weeks. At this moment, I'm at peace with those decisions. They have not been made hastily or without prayer and counsel from some people who I admire and trust greatly. They have not been made without hours of prayer, by me and the people mentioned above. You may not understand some of the things that I do or don't do. Guess what? I don't always either. It's this weird thing called GRIEF . . . this new house guest who I DID NOT INVITE!! I didn't want GRIEF to come and live with me. I wanted RICK to stay here and live with me and laugh with me and go to Georgia with me and raise our kids with me and enjoy the grandbabies with me. But, guess, what? Now, I do all those things with my new guest, GRIEF. And grief has no predictable pattern. I've read many books. I've read many blogs. I've "met" (via the internet) many widows. Some young, just like me. Some newly on the journey. Some who've journeyed for awhile now. NONE of our stories are the same. ALL of our stories are the same . . . get the picture? GRIEF has come to live with many of us. Uninvited by all, yet, present in our homes, at our dinner tables, in our bedrooms, on our vacations . . . always there, the SILENT guest.
So, I have tried and will continue to try not to use my circumstances as a "crutch" to get by. I will try not to use them to excuse my bad behavior. I will do my best to function as a mom, a grandma, a daughter, a sister, an employee, a friend, a sister in Christ . . . but sometimes, just sometimes, GRIEF reminds me that "he" is still there. And sometimes, "he" talks louder than I do.
I mentioned last night about the 75% loss of friendships that often happens. I don't want that to be me. I don't want to lose 75% of my friends! I don't want to be stuck on an island with just a bunch of widows who "get me" (not that I don't love all of you who I've met and who have been such an encouragement to me!)! So, I will try! I will try my best to be "normal" - WHATEVER that is! I will try my best to honor God in my actions and my reactions. But please, when my actions and reactions fail, please don't blame that on my God! There's an old children's song that says,
"He's still workin' on me. To make me what I ought to be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars. How loving and patient He must be, He's STILL workin' on me!"
And that's true. I haven't arrived. I'm an imperfect girl loved by a perfect GOD! I'll fail Him and you and everyone around me . . . often! But, HE'S STILL WORKIN' ON ME!
"But I trust in You, O Lord; I say, "You are my God"" Psalm 31:14