I wasn't going to post tonight. It's a night that ends a day of another "first". We have never been big "celebrators" on Memorial Day, yet, it was still another first to get past.
I started the day by picking 55 daisies to lay on Rick's grave. I mentioned yesterday to Tessa that I wanted to get a YELLOW rose from me and 3 PINK roses from the girls for his grave and she said that she always wondered why people spent so much money to put things on people's graves (she IS the LEVEL - HEADED/frugal one!). I guess God agreed as when I got into Walmart, there wasn't a flower to be found! So, daisies, which are the flower that will always remind me of Rick, it was. He'd like the daisies better anyway!
Even though we hardly ever went to the cemetery on Memorial Day, I went today, because I figured people would "expect" me to be there . . . oh, that fear of what people think, does it ever leave us? It was nice to go, though and I was glad I went! In light of the "what people think" statement, I will say here that going along with Tessa's statement from last night, THAT is one of the few conversations that Rick & I HAD had about death, and we both also agreed that it IS foolish to spend lots of money on the grave-site of someone who we know isn't really there anyway. So, if you go to visit Rick's grave and find that it's not decorated as beautifully as some others, please know, that grave decorations do not = our love for Rick/Daddy. I believe Rick loved his family with all his heart until he took his last breath, and we loved him fiercely and still do! I personally do not feel the need to "prove" my love for him by placing large amounts of flowers/decorations on his grave, nor did I feel that I needed to purchase a larger/flashier stone. Those are my personal feelings, so that being said, I'm also in no way, saying that it is wrong for others to do so, it is the way some people show their continuing respect and that's wonderful - just please don't judge me/us that's just not "our way"!
The rest of the day was fairly quiet (besides the rumbling thunder and the VERY LOUD tree frogs that have taken up residence near our back deck)!
One of my devotionals this morning was a perfect reading for another day that marked a "first" holiday with Rick not with us:
"There are no accidents with God, nor is He surprised by anything or anyone in the life of His child. God uses even the most horrendous circumstances for our good. Every circumstance comes to us for a purpose, bound by God's love and plan and faithfully delivered with His permission . . . Only God can take the broken pieces of your life and make something beautiful out of each one. He is waiting for ou to let go of your pain and trust him."
Isaiah 45:3 says : "And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness - secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the One who CALLS YOU BY NAME."
What a wonderful thought in the devotional and promises from His Word! "He is NOT surprised by ANYTHING . . . HE uses the most HORRENDOUS circumstances for our good . . . EVERY circumstance comes to us for a purpose, bound by HIS love . . . faithfully delivered with His permission . . . for He is the ONE who calls ME by NAME!
AGAIN, I'm reminded, I don't have to understand (or even like) facing all these firsts without Rick. I don't have to like "visiting" him at the cemetery. I just have to TRUST that He has a PURPOSE, that HE can turn even my most horrendous circumstance to my good. Again today, the day of another "first", I CHOOSE to trust that He will give me treasures hidden in the darkness - secret riches. I had the blessing of that today. I had text conversations and a "real life" telephone conversation with 2 BEAUTIFUL new friends - friends who I didn't even KNOW 7 months ago. I DON'T like the circumstances that brought us together, but I LOVE that God brought us together - we "sister" widows. Leah and Cindy were both HUGE blessings to me today. A day that DID feel a little "dark", but a day that God took just a few of the "broken pieces" and fitted them back together . . . a few more each day . . . as long as I CHOOSE to trust!
All my confusion, He understood.
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife,
But He made something beautiful of my life.